How Does He Decide Who Survives?

Last weekend we attended a memorial service for a very special friend of our family. He died of Metastatic Melanoma at the age of 66 and was only diagnosed 9 months prior to his passing. It was a devastating loss for his family and friends because it came out of nowhere and by the time he found out he had cancer, it was too late, it had already spread throughout his body.

He lived his life as a bachelor and never had any children, but always treated the children in our family as if they were his own. Nick and Sarah knew him as "Uncle Dave" and thought the world of him.

As I sat there at his memorial service listening to God’s words and all the wonderful stories about Dave’s life and the kind of person that he was, my mind was wandering at warp speed. No matter how hard I tried to concentrate solely on Dave's life, I could not help but to think of my own and I don’t think I was the only one that took that walk down memory lane.

Nicolas was sitting to my left and he was a mess. He was crying and seemed very affected by Dave’s passing. My Aunt nudged me at one point and said, “Awww, Nick is such a sensitive guy”……and I do think that he is very sensitive and he will truly miss “Uncle Dave”, but I have to wonder how much of his emotion was based on his own fears about death and cancer and what we went through together when he was so young.

Nick was only two years old when I battled cancer, but he does have very vivid memories of me being so very sick. He talks about when I had no hair, when I had nurses come to visit us at the house each day, and how I spent the greater part of one year on the couch in our family room, in the hospital, or going to see doctors.



Cancer is a part of my past, but it is something that still remains in the forefront of my thoughts. I know I am fortunate to be here and so very thankful to call myself a survivor, but I also fear that one day, when I least expect it, the cancer will resurface.

Obviously, I don’t let the fear of cancer affect my daily life, but there are so many things that trigger the thoughts and take me back to that scary place, as in this case, when someone close dies of Cancer, when I have to go back to the oncologist for my yearly exam, or when I am just plain sick.

When the average person comes down with the flu they know it is just the flu and in a few days they will feel better. I get the flu and it makes me re live the year that I went through chemotherapy and felt like I was on deaths door. Whenever I get a severe headache or backache, I think… is it really just an ache? or could the cancer have come back? Could I have another tumor?

This May will be 11 years since I was told that my cancer was officially in remission and even though that is something to be celebrated, I still have scary thoughts that creep in from time to time. You would think with each year that passes, the thoughts would subside, but honestly, I am not sure those thoughts and fears will ever fade or totally disappear.

I walked around with all the typical Ovarian Cancer symptoms you read about for over two months and had no inkling that something could be wrong. I basically had an excuse for all the changes I saw in my body and never realized they were red flags until I went to the doctor for my regularly scheduled check up. He went down the list asking me if I was experiencing any of these symptoms. I was experiencing ALL OF THEM.

I considered myself to be a healthy person who worked out almost daily and was really in tune with her body……so how did I miss this? I guess I thought I was too young or too invincible. It couldn’t happen to me.

I learned the hard way that no one is invincible when it comes to cancer. No matter how young or old, or how healthy you think you are, you can still get Cancer.

Now when I feel a twinge or just don’t feel well in general my thoughts go to that far away place. I tend to panic a little and then I begin to pray hard that God never takes me back there and whatever I am experiencing at the moment is just a common cold or really is just a pulled or sore muscle and nothing more.



It’s been a week since we have attended the memorial service for Dave and he is still in our thoughts and prayers. I know that he is finally at peace and that he is in a better place where there is no more pain and suffering. He is now in heaven with so many family members and friends that have left us over the years.

I have watched so many loved ones die of Cancer, yet I am still here living a blessed and very full life. Diagnosed with stage III ovarian cancer at the young age of 26, my life was spared; while so many have never been given the second chance that I was given.

How does God ultimately decide who survives and succumbs to this dreadful disease?

This question has perplexed me for as long as I can remember and I guess I will never know the answer, but I have to believe that "he" has reasons for everything he does.

Although that does not seem like an acceptable answer for those of us who are grieving the loss of someone special that lost their battle with Cancer, I would like to imagine that it will all finally make sense when we ourselves ride on the wings of that special angel and travel over the rainbow and reach the other side where heaven’s pearly gates are open for our arrival.